You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
