That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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