cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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