i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
