Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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