Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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