its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
