im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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