I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
