im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
