Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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