oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i've created a new STD.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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