anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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