He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
