He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
