i permit you to call me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
