i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
