I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
