the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
wow bdsm is so cute
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