If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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