Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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