We named our party play list daddy issues
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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