we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
