So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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