I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
