I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
