Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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