my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
