We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
