so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
