I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
