PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
