She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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