i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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