I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
