smell my finger.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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