Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Floor bacon is actually really good
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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