Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
