I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
