If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
