Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
