on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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