you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
