the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
