so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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