The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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