don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
