I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
