____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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