I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
